Seven Stages of Singledom

When you’re single there are a few different stages that you go through. Sometimes you feel great and other times you want to blame every person you have ever met. These are just some of the phases that people go through when dealing with singledom. Some of these may be in your head (actually probably most of them are) but we are here to let you know that there are others out there that feel the same. Let us know if you know of any more!

1. All the guys I know are losers

When people asked me that dreaded question of why I could possibly be single this was always my number one response. I still maintain that it’s not my fault I am single but rather an accumulation of a number of external factors including poor extracurricular activity choices (because I was never going to date the guy in my Jazz class), my parents choice of schooling (all the attractive guys were at the private schools) and just sheer luck (which lets be honest has never been on my side).

Sadly this stage may not just be in your head. Sometimes circumstances mean that you have to go out of your way to meet decent guys. When it comes to high school or university guys I like to consider the phrase “Guys are like port-a-loos. All the good ones are taken and the rest are full of shit”. Sometimes you get left with the duds. But having said that, the nice thing is that one person’s dud is another person’s dream guy so there is still hope.

2. There is something horribly wrong with me

Yup I find myself in this stage fairly frequently (roughly about once a month or when I have failed particularly badly at something). It is the “I’m hideously ugly and socially stunted” stage. I will admit I have had those days when I am convinced that every single person I know is in on a big joke and they all find me incredibly annoying. I have also been known to cuddle my dog for comfort only to have her freak out at scramble away cementing the knowledge that I am a crazy person and even animals don’t like me and I will inevitably die alone. But at the end of the day, there is NOTHING wrong with you (unless you are a serial killer) and this stage will turn into stage 4 which, lets be honest, is pretty awesome.

3. My friends are too attractive

This stage is a bit of a catch twenty two because you usually pick friends whose personalities you are attracted to. It would be a little strange if you hang out with people you consider unattractive so that guys would find you the most appealing. Also I think it is definitely down to personal opinion.

Some days I think ‘If only my friends were ugly and mean’, but then if they were awful I definitely would not want to be around them and that defeats the reason for the friendship. If your friends are good friends they will be nothing but supportive and this stage should simply be ignored because it is dumb.

4. Screw it! Who needs guys?

I like this one. It is my fave because it is the ‘Feel good, I can conquer the world’ stage. Sadly it doesn’t usually last as long as the other stages but is definitely the most enjoyable. I find that in this stage I am hanging with my friends more and saying yes to all sorts of adventures which always leads to meeting new people, so really it is a win/win/win. Embrace this stage, it the one chance that you really get to enjoy and appreciate being single.

5. My standards are too high

Damn the internet and social media! I, like many others, get very distracted by the attractive males that grace our TV screens or that we read about in the pages of novels. I will admit I may even go so far as to create imaginary scenarios where we meet and of course fall hopelessly in love at first glance. In our head we know that life is not like the movies or books but part of us secretly hopes and it is this part that leads us forming unrealistic expectations of relationships.

Also, all these bronzed, chiseled and remarkable fit guys that apparently always know the right thing to say at the right time are leading us astray. Even the nerdy, geeky guys are not like real life geeky guys! I mean seriously, I have never encountered a real life Seth Cohen. So from now on I am going to try and keep the crushing to people that are attainable or rather ‘not too far out of my reach’.

6. Its my parents fault, they raised me wrong

Whether you come from a nice nuclear middle class family you always manage to find something to blame you parents for. This is the stage where you’re singledom is all their fault. THEY didn’t encourage you to participate in enough extra curricular activities because you said you didn’t want to participate. THEY kept you sheltered in your safe middle class neighbourhood. THEY made things too easy giving you all the things you wanted and never really challenging you to have to scrounge to survive. As you can see all the things you complain about are generally things that you are pretty lucky to have so scrap this stage. Besides your parents usually know you’re going through this stage so they go pretty easy on you.

7. It is fine. I’ll be a cat lady. They seem popular…

I like cats. Relatively. Actually I would probably prefer dogs. At least they would be company. But how many is too many? There are many times when I resign myself to the fact that I am probably going to die alone only to have my half eaten body discovered after my pets venture into the streets searching for food after consuming the fleshy parts of my anatomy. But never fear because statistically you have a 0.00000000121 chance of becoming a spinster who cares for cats (Yup so I made that up but it sounded good right? Just go with it).

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